“… and can’t dislodge them, for lack of the right rhythm…”
Re-posting because this is so very, very relevant to where I'm finding myself in The Work this morning, starting and ending the month in the same place, apparently...
finally being honest with myself
about my single creative desire: to write and self-publish strange, weird novellas, short stories, and the occasional non-fiction thing that function solely as my way of exorcising whatever's in me at the moment; all self-directed aspirational efforts not only at being published traditional-like but at screenplays or comics are, for now, dead: I'm weary of creating things that require others for a life that never seem to materialize; I'll let them come as they come and if they don't oh well. Not going to worry about it.
A lingering question: am I not seeking traditional publishing anymore because I'm worried I'm not good enough? Because I can't imagine anyone wanting to publish me? Or is it because I prefer the agency of self-publishing and really, at this point, feel no need to prove myself to anyone beyond myself?
Probably a bit of all of the above.
Would it be nice to have that extra representation to help me through the business end of things, to lend moral support, to light fires under my ass? Certainly. Do I see that happening anytime soon? Not particularly. Am I worried about it? Not as much as I thought I was.
Basically, everything current – TSR, PRESS (A) - the delivery system for much of the strange and the weird – and RE/EMERGENCE (still the happiest creative collaboration I've had) will continue. All that's being relegated to purgatory are the aforementioned self-directed aspirational efforts at tradpub, screen, and comics, a deliberate practice of letting go of one or two hopes and dreams to let the truest truth (of the moment) come to life.
tentative release schedule
(If only for my own reference)…
Jun / open
Jul / PRESS (A)
Aug / open
Sep / TSR
Oct / TSR
Nov / TSR
Dec / open
January / PRESS (A)
Feb / open
Mar / TSR
Apr / TSR
May / TSR
… liking the idea of a monthly release for everything, with open months before and after PRESS (A) releases. Thought I could pull off quarterly, but every six months seems more feasible. Open months for extra TSR or PRESS (A) buffers or RE/EMERGENCE collabs?
cauliflower transitions
update/20220610119: MainFictionThing lives to for another day – though I still fight on with the cauliflower. Rubber duck debugging for the win.
+++
Much more important – and far more difficult - to me than the first sentence is the transition between the first and second paragraph (or track, or scene, or... ): in the traversal of that valley lies the work's tone and character and the first clause in the contract with reader/listener/viewer/player): what can they expect for the duration – to be thrilled? to be held by the hand, guided gently through this narrative concoction? to be confounded? challenged? whiplashed around?...
Reminded of the scene in GET BACK in which George is struggling to find the words for what would become "Something" – "Attacts me like no other... " – and John tells him to sing nonsense until the word comes, "Attracts me like a cauliflower" being his offering; I've been attracted to the cauliflower for awhile now, my own failure to find the right shift being the cause of more than one work – and potentially this one, MainFictionThing – being condemned to the Purgatory file.
Back to slamming my head on the desk and thinking of cauliflower.
(Might develop this into the open garage door section of the next MacroParentheticals or this might be all I have to say on it. )
impositional affinities
Tiny success: after banging my head repeatedly against the desk over thinking I had to arrange the zine pages myself in a "print layout for folded double sided pages that will actually reflect the intended page order and not some horrific mutant" guide?" and getting a kind response (thanks Stacy) and guide, learning that they're called "impositions" (indeed), I did further research and found that Affinity Publisher does it for you in the print / export to PDF settings thus relieving copious stress and much hair pulling even though I already cut my long covid-hair back to a short summer cut because my black hair in the summer makes me yearn to go grey which, in spite of life’s best efforts over recent months, has yet to happen.
this is what happens when i am unable to string two words together and
this is me typing up anything that resembles words one after the other after the other and no still theres nothing but someone is barking at something somewhere and k is reading louise erdrich on the couch and eating popcorn while i stare at this screen with a matte me shadowreflection staring back or maybe its just the glare from my cheap monitor light which i still love and did you know that that butterfly bench came apart far more easily than i anticipated thanks bolt cutters and the spray paint is still sticking to the butterfly on the wall of the house and the squirrels are leaving it alone for now but theres the timer times up so theres that then
“Style is a very simple matter; it is all rhythm. Once you get that, you can’t use the wrong words. But on the other hand here I am sitting after half the morning, crammed with ideas, and visions, and so on, and can’t dislodge them, for lack of the right rhythm. Now this is very profound, what rhythm is, and goes far deeper than words. A sight, an emotion, creates this wave in the mind, long before it makes words to fit it.”
– Virginia Woolf
frankenjournal's monster
Or, the morning’s “I wasn't getting anywhere on MainFicThing and needed something to do with my hands so why not maim and mangle expensive journal covers” project:
Assembled from the pieces of notebook covers abandoned and discarded over the years, Frankenjournal’s Monster came alive from a leather travel journal cover (that was great for when I used cheaper pens and didn't worry about them falling to the ground) and added the pen holder from my Coal Creek mini notebook / wallet (thanks to leather screws from a broken leather leash my grandfather had made for one of our earlier and departed dogchildren) plus the elastic from my previous journal to make a cover tie. Notebooks are, as ever, Baron Fig Confidant.
Use my CW&T Pen Type C for quick notes (the Lamy 2000 is, fortunately, quite snug in its perch; the leather has yet to expand enough to allow for that balance between quick jot and security), blood sugar readings, etc. Binder clip for loose index cards and thinks/things I want to keep loose and on my person.
notetaking enthusiasms, concluded
(previously…)
Just a brief note to signal the conclusion of my grand experiment. Won't call this falling flat on my face – not at all – nor will I deny the truth of every bit of my previous plaudits of the change to index carding. But what I will tell you is that I returned this morning to my notebook and journal because, no matter how brilliant the card method was - and it was brilliant and it will continue to be utilized - the notebook, imperfect as it is, felt like home - a much-needed anchor in the swirling vortex of life and etc.
And lo, I scribble on.
enthusiasms, addendum
Meant to include these links to notebooks that have inspired my recent (and enthusiastic) approach in the previous post but neglected to do so (wouldn't my middle school math teacher who always said it's not that you forgot it's that you didn't care enough to remember be proud probably not but maybe) in the fifteen minutes I've alotted myself for these diversions:
First, via Notebook Stories, Truffaut's notebooks
And second, via Paris Review, Jesse Ball's Clipboard 2022.
Dig the simple scrap paper approach for smaller, pocket-sized thoughtlet capture and coordination.