A sudden fear that if I ever get to return to a city I'll be the epitome of yokel: it's been more than a decade – I've never even called an Uber for fuck's sake; I'd be the idiot waving my hand at every yellow car that crosses my path.
My only sadness in all of this post-mother-death stuff remains that, over the last 25 years, she made it impossible for me to miss her now.
The most exhausting part remains, similarly, that, whereas I only had to lie / act to her about my feelings during her life, I now have to lie / act to everyone who – and I know they all mean well – texts and calls and sends cards about the same in death. I'm somewhat terrified now that some of them will find this space (and have a feeling that some have) but I won't censor myself here – this is where I can be myself, the truest version, for better or for worse.
(This quandary is, notably, not found in the funeral home's handy ten stages of grief packet)
But I'll give the lie/act six months. 26 October, it's done. Anyone approaches me afterwards, they get the unvarnished truth.
It has been nice, I'll admit, to see pictures – slashing my stepfather out of the ones he graced with his sneering, bile-infused presence – of the life my long-departed animal companions of youth led after I had run away to Boston. I wish I could have been there with them, but it was made impossible for me; I would have ended up a suicide statistic.
At this rate, I could have taken the bar and seen to all of these court-appointed administrative tasks myself.
But at the same time, I recognize – begrudgingly – that not everyone moves at my pace. That doesn't mean I don't hate having to wait on other people. I MEAN REALLY FUCKING HATE WAITING ON OTHER PEOPLE just want the boxes to be checked, i's crossed, t's dotted, all that. Show me where to sign please.
BOSCH: LEGACY is much better than any spinoff/continuation has any right to be. Relief to be free of the LAPD politics that subsumed the last few seasons of the original.
I'm still finding glitter on my person from having to move all of this seasonal decor; it's like Tinkerbell puked everywhere.
If you're looking for a solid, mindless, and gloriously insane action flick, check out LOST BULLET on Netflix: loved it.
I am bored with my current selection of music and need new music send more, send something different please.